Mathom House

An archive of threads from the good old days of TORn …

Westfarthing Story

on December 27, 2009

Parodies of songs from West Side Story…

One Fight, One Fray – based on “One Hand, One Heart”
Sauron to Saruman:
Make of our wars one war
Make our affrays one fray
Make of our troops one vast troop
Take them all in one fell swoop
Make of our fights one fight
Orc after Orc, one fight
Now it begins, now they’ll pay
One fight, one fray
Destroy them all in one fell swoop

“Dear Kindly Master” – based on “Officer Krupke”
O, kindly nice good Master,
We thinks we ought to confess
It was the other Baggins you know
Got us into this mess
We had our Preciousss and our fisshes
For six hundred years
Then crussh us, curse us, It up and disappears!
We still hates that Baggins- he cheated, he did
‘What is in its pocketses’ – that’s where he had It hid
How’d we come to have It?
Well, that’s not hard to suss –
It was our cousin’s gift to us.

Gift to us!
Gift to us, gift to us,
That’s how it came to us –
It was his birthday gift to us.

Nice Samwise, other Hobbit
We’re sorry for ourself
We know we looks like Dobby,
But we’re never an Elf
Your nassty rope is off us,
But still our hands are tied –
Curssse us, crusssh us – we wish that you had died!


Now look here, you Gollum, I’m onto your tricks
Mr. Frodo is a softie in a terrible fix
He thinks you’re trustworthy, at least so to speak
I know you’re a killer and a sneak!

I’m a sneak?!
I’m a sneak, we’re a sneak
You call us a sneak –
O nice friend to label us a sneak!

Our grandmother renounced us
Our cousin just expired
That nasty wizard trounced us
With the Ranger that he hired
The Elveses were just dreadful
The Orcses even worse –
Misery, misery – now you’re using slurs!

Now, Samwise Gamgee, you need to take care –
He’s a misbegotten creature without any hair.
He’s a guide we’re in need of, our outlook is grim …
(And I could end up just like him…)

Just like us!
Just like us, just like us –
Could be just like us
We feel your pain, ‘cause you’re like us.

Dear kindly nice good Master,
I knew you’d understand
It’s been a right disaster
Since we took It in hand
It’s not that we’re a killer
We’re only short of food
But crussh us, cursse us, you think that we’re no good!


Gollum, or Sméagol, I do understand
You’ve earned my pity with your plight, but I’m still not a fan
Some deeds you’ve done can’t be misunderstood
But deep down inside you may be good.

There is good!

There is good, there is good,
If we say so ourself…
(aside:) A few months ago we ate an Elf.

The trouble is his kvetching
The trouble is his guile

The trouble is he’s wretched

The trouble is he’s vile
The trouble is he’s wicked

The trouble is he’s sick –
Let’s follow him and try to make this quick!

When You’re an Ent – based on “When You’re a Jet”
The Ents:
When you’re an Ent
You’re an Ent all the way
From the first twig that’s bent
To your uprootin’ day
When you’re an Ent
And the huorns cut loose
You take Orcs in your hands
And you squeeze ‘em for juice!

The wives went away
It’s long since they defected
Edoras or Taipei –
Where they went we’ve not detected –
We’re still dejected!

But now there’s this
Call for us to make war
We may’ve been remiss,
Now we’ll break down the door
When you’re an Ent
You fight
For Ents!

When you’re with Ents,
It’s the leafiest thing
Shireling, have a drink –
Join the lists, hear us sing!

The Ents are provoked
We’re finally in motion
This Saruman bloke
Will get the brunt of our emotion
Now we have the notion!


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