Mathom House

An archive of threads from the good old days of TORn …

The Bounders’ Music

on December 28, 2009

We fly toward a sunny meadow high atop a mountain. Suddenly, the cameraman realizes he’s in the wrong place and there is an abrupt cut to the kitchen of Bag End, the Shire. Gandalf has pulled the Ring out of Frodo’s fire, and is explaining things.

The Sound of Sauron
(The Sound of Music)
Gandalf:
The Dark Lord’s alive – and he wants his Ring back
The Ring which contains part of his own self
The Dark Lord’s sent slaves for to get his Ring back
He won’t be stopped by Man or by Elf…

He wants to beat back all those of good will
And hold sway over all;
He wants to take solid shape and cast the world
‘Neath the darkest pall;
To catch and enslave and bend to his will
As he did once before
To bring, bind, and rule with the Ring on his hand once more…

I know the Dark Lord
Found the creature Gollum;
I know he recalls Baggins and the Shire
The Dark Lord now knows where the Ring’s been hidden –
Our situation’s dire…

Naturally, Frodo waits several years, and then finally leaves the Shire. Shortly, he and his companions have a strange encounter…

The Not-So-Lonely Woodsman
(The Lonely Goatherd)
Tom Bombadil:
Deep in the woods lived Tom Bombadill-o
Hey merry dol derry dol hey dol
Loud was the voice of Tom Bombadil-o
Dol merry dol derry dol

Merry and Pip met with Old Man Willow
Hey merry dol derry dol hey dol
They found tree roots make a rotten pillow
Dol merry dol derry dol

Tom was picking lilies (and a daffodil-o)
Hey merry dol derry dol hey dol
He chastised the old tree for its peccadillo
Dol merry dol derry dol

He invited them home for to eat their fill, oh
Hey merry dol derry dol hey dol
Goldberry they met from the house doorsill-o
Dol merry dol derry dol

Instead of pipes they smoked cigarillos
Hey merry dol derry dol hey dol
With old Tom Bombadil, the jolly fellow
Dol merry dol derry dol

Perhaps if the films’d been by Cecil B. DeMille-o
Hey merry dol derry dol hey dol
We’d have seen Tom B. with his beard like brill-o
Dol merry dol derry dol

(Fade out with assorted annoying Tom Bombadilish humming)

…And onward our heroes go, meeting up with Strider, and then finally Gandalf in Rivendell. This is probably not representative of what might have been sung in the Hall of Fire, though there are some special guest singers…

Do, Frodo
(Do, a Deer)

Pippin and Merry:
Do: the way that “Frodo” ends
Bert, Tom, and William:
Ray: what trolls fear from the Sun
Aragorn:
Me: the Man who would be King
Frodo:
Far: the Road goes ever on
Sam:
Sew: Did I pack any thread?
Rivendell Elves from The Hobbit:
La: la la la lally lo
Gandalf:
Tea: just tea, thank you, I said
All:
And that brings us back to do-Fro-do…

Eventually, they decide that, like it or not, it’s time that they leave Rivendell – but it says that in the song…

So Long, Farewell
(So Long, Farewell)

The Company to the Elves gathered to watch them depart Lórien:
There’s a sad sort of drifting of the leaves in the yard
And Samwise is packing his bag
Though Rivendell is timeless, the time is getting on
We must leave, though our feet may drag
Regretful, Gandalf tells us
Our mission does compel us
To say goodbye
To you!

Aragorn:
So long, goodbye, namarïe, farewell
I hate to go and leave Undomiel

Merry & Pippin:
So long, farewell, namarïe, goodbye –
You needn’t think that we’ll be left behind!

Boromir:
So long, goodbye, farewell, namarïe
We’re off over the hills and far away

Gandalf:
So long, farewell, namarïe, goodbye
As Gwaihir might say, we certainly must fly

Sam:
Goodbye, farewell, namarïe, so long
I still don’t like this plan – I hope I’m wrong!

Legolas:
So long, farewell, goodbye, namarïe
I hope we stop in Lórien on our way

Gimli:
I’m glad to go, I cannot tell a lie
Though they’re maligned, my mind’s set on the mines

Frodo (slowly and forlornly):
I volunteered, though why I cannot tell –

All:
So long, goodbye, namarïe, farewell!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
Goodbye

Elves (waving):
Goodbye!

Arwen:
Do you think they’ll make it?
Elrond:
It would take a miracle. (Waves) Goodbye!

A while later, we find Pippin thinking back to Rivendell and questioning his sanity as they attempt Caradhras…

I Am Twenty-Nine
(You Are Sixteen)

Pippin
Leaving Rivendell, going to somewhere
None of us wants to go;
Have I lost my mind? Could have stayed behind –
Why did I argue so?

I am twenty-nine, still in my tween years –
Too young to die on this pretext
Mountains and mines, Orcs and trolls at times –
I shudder to think what’s next

Totally unprepared am I
To venture out like this.
Wishing I was back home am I
Stealing my Diamond’s kiss…

Elrond thought someone older and wiser
Ought to be brought along;
But I protested, argued, contested –
It seems he wasn’t wrong…

Now here am I trudging up a mountain,
Freezing my furry toes;
I could be in bed, nice and warm, well-fed
–Oh, why did it have to snow?!

I am three-six, going on three-seven
Nothing to Boromir
He cuts a path through, and carries me too,
And shows not a sign of fear…

Totally unprepared am I
To venture out like this…
Wishing I was back home am I
Stealing my Diamond’s kiss…

Elrond thought someone older and wiser
Ought to be brought along;
But I protested, argued, contested –
It seems he wasn’t wrong…

Caradhras proves to be too much for them, and Gimli can be heard chortling as they make their way through the mines of Moria. Realizing the others aren’t quite as tickled by total darkness and unexpected chasms as he is, he starts the company off on a song to cheer them up…

Our Favorite Things
(My Favorite Things)

Gimli:
The perilous beauty of Lórien’s Lady
The Elf who helped slay orcs numbering one-and-eighty
Caverns that glitter with precious array
These help to steel me before an affray

Legolas:
Trees of all species from eldest to sapling
Dwarves with whom I’ve hunted for halflings
The flight of an arrow, songs sung sweet and clear
These are some few of the things I hold dear

Gandalf:
Hobbits who never surprise, till they must do
Eagles and fireworks and smokerings that turn blue
Silver white horses that run like the wind
These are what soothes me when I feel spread thin

Samwise:
Mr. Frodo for one thing, and my old Bill, the pony
Old tales and fireworks and a nice bit of coney
Springle-rings in the summer with Rosie-my-lass
Are what I try to think of when my courage won’t last

chorus:
When the warg bites
When we see Sting
Glowing ‘cause Orcs are near
We try to remember our favorite things
To feel a moment of cheer.

Pippin:
Saying just the right thing to make Gandalf want to throttle
Half pints and whole pints and throw in a bottle
A smoke with some dear friends whom I wouldn’t trade
These strengthen me any time I feel afraid

Merry:
All kinds of pipeweed, the complete catalog
The brownest of ales, and hair of the dog
The best of companions, through times good and bad
These are the somethings that make me feel glad

Boromir:
The sound of great horns blown, and bright banners blazing
Prowess in battle, and deeds worthy of praising
My city, my father, my brother, my friends –
These thoughts will embolden my heart till the end

Aragorn:
The folk whom I keep, all unknowing, from ill
The Lady for whom I would match Elendil
Companions in journeying, comrades in war
These fill my thoughts when my heart grieves me sore

Frodo:
Dear old Bilbo and Bag End ere I’d a need to be wary
Gandalf and Samwise and Pippin and Merry
Recalling my life before talk of Rings
These are a few of my favorite things

Having made it through the mines, the Company finds itself in Lórien at last… Aragorn reminisces, taking a walk with Frodo…
Niphredil
(Edelweiss )

Aragorn:
Niphredil, niphredil
On Cerin Amroth unfading
Small and white, pale green light
Where mallorn trees are shading
Slender-stemmed flower, grace the Lady’s bower
Galadriel’s bower in Lórien
Niphredil, niphredil
Blossom forever in Lórien…
Elanor
(Edelweiss )

Frodo:
Elanor, elanor
Studding the grass of the meadow
Shaped like a star, from Lórien afar
Winter flowers of yellow
Blossom of gilt, may you never wilt
Never wilt in Lórien
Elanor, elanor
To crown the Lady of Lórien

A great deal happens, after which Merry and Pippin are to be found being schlepped hither and yon by a mixed group of Orcs. The Orcs, however, do come together for song, taking a cel from a certain animated film…
Burn Ev’ry Village
Climb Ev’ry Mountain

Orcs:
Burn ev’ry village
Torch ev’ry field
Harrow ev’ry mortal
Even those who yield

Burn ev’ry village
Foul ev’ry stream
Take ev’ry opening
For violence extreme

Sheer brutality
Is the task of our band
Wreaking havoc and ruin
At our Master’s command

Burn ev’ry village
Hew ev’ry tree
Lash ev’ry straggler
From Barad-dûr to Bree

We will leave in our wake
Death, destruction, and woe
Sowing fear and despair
Wheresoever we go

Burn ev’ry village
Sing bad songs off-key
Ravage ev’ry hamlet
Rick, cot and tree

Poor Merry and Pippin… A great deal more happens, and then we find Pippin and Merry sitting on a pile of wreckage at the outskirts of a ruined Isengard as Gandalf rides up with Legolas, Aragorn – and Gimli, to whom the song is addressed…

Galenas
(Edelweiss )

Merry & Pippin:
Galenas, galenas
Pipeweed ‘mongst all the jetsam!
Longbottom leaf, to our disbelief –
Two barrels full! Come and get some!
Fill your pipe up once we sit and sup
We’ll wreathe ourselves in its haze
Galenas, galenas
Bless Tobold Hornblower always!

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam are en route to Mordor, and are trying to figure out just exactly what they’re dealing with…

How Do You Solve a Problem Like that Sméagol?
(How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?)

Frodo and Sam
How do you solve a problem like that Sméagol?
How do you understand what he’s become?

How do you find a word that stands for Sméagol?
A Stinker at times –
A Slinker at times –
Gollum!

Many a time you know you’d like to trust him
Many a time you really have no choice

But when provisions are rather lean
And the light in his eyes is green
You can hear another self speak with his voice…

Oh, how do you solve a problem like that Sméagol?
How do you not get caught up in his ploys?

Sam
When we’re with him we’re not safe
Though he looks like some poor waif
I think he’s tricky with a mile-wide mean streak
Unpredictable as weather
Dursn’t trust him altogether –
He’s malignant
He’s malicious
He’s a snake!

Frodo
He led us safely through the Marsh
Sam, I think you’re being harsh –
At least part of him, I think, is on our side
He is sneaky –
He is scared
It’s so long since someone cared
He is dangerous
He’s deserving –
He’s our guide!

Frodo and Sam
Oh, how do you solve a problem like that Sméagol?
How do you understand what he’s become?

And what with one thing and another, the war is won, bringing our heroes to Minas Tirith. Merry, Faramir, and Éowyn being gravely wounded, Aragorn requests athelas, and receives the following response…

Athelas
(Edelweiss )

Ioreth:
Athelas, athelas
(Asëa aranion to the noble)
Green as grass or sassafras
Kingsfoil is its name more global
Thrown in to hot water it gives off steam
Sweet and clean
And healing
Athelas, athelas
More potent than any Darjeeling

Defeated by such doggerel, the entire cast and crew leaves en masse. A final frame hastily appears:

THE END

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2 responses to “The Bounders’ Music

  1. stewartry says:

    Reblogged this on Stewartry and commented:

    The Sound of Music – only not quite. Carrie Underwood’s version is on right now, and I keep thinking of two things: The Movie, and … this, which I wrote a long time ago.

  2. […] really sweet. And you can sing the songs. Score. (I can’t help but mention here that I once wrote a mash-up Lord of the Rings and The Sound of Music. I know whereof I […]

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