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Aerlinn’s Law

Away with a Ranger

Away With a Ranger
To the tune of “Away in a Manger”

Away with a Ranger
Through field, wood, and fen
We thought we’d meet Gandalf
Not this Man we don’t ken

He’s not all that fair, but
He does not feel foul
(Though it was strange how back in
The inn he stayed cowled)

The Nazgûl are hunting
They know our locale
They tore up those bolsters
(Or did Bill Ferny et al?)

So that’s our position:
There’s Gandalf AWOL
And sniffing Black Riders
And this stranger tall

All gold does not glitter
Or so Gandalf wrote
Still we wished that this Strider
Looked less a cut-throat

Our home is behind us
The world is ahead
Bilbo never mentioned
This feeling of dread?

A Night at the Prancing Pony

A Night at the Prancing Pony
Which bears some resemblance to Billy Joel’s “Piano Man”

It’s the twenty-ninth of September;
The Pony is starting to fill;
The regular Hobbits and local Men,
And some folks that aren’t run of the mill:

A couple of Dwarves heading West through Bree,
And we don’t like the looks of those Men,
But perhaps even stranger is Strider the Ranger,
And Mr. Underhill and his three friends

La lala didi da
La la didida da dum

Sing us a song, you’re a stranger here,
A Hobbit from off in the Shire”
Sing us something that we haven’t heard before –
Songs about inns are surefire.

Now Butterbur’s just run off his feet,
Sure as there’s hair on your toes;
Ring the hand bell for Nob, in the stable there’s Bob
(Is he a Man or a Hobbit? Who knows?)

In that corner’s a squint-eyed Southerner
Deep with that swarthy Bree-lander in talk;
Mr. Took is certainly chatty tonight,
About a Mayor all covered in chalk,

Oh la lala didi da
La la didida da dum

And the birthday of someone named Bilbo –
But Mr. Underhill’s looking put out –
Hop up on a table and tell us a fable –
We’ll bet you’ll surprise us – no doubt!

And O the rows of silver dishes,
And the stores of silver spoons,
And the dog, and the cat, and the hornèd cow”
(And did he say the Man in the Moon??)

Sing us a song, you’re a stranger here,
A Hobbit from off in the Shire;
Sing us something that we haven’t heard before –
Songs about inns are surefire

It’s a pretty big crowd for the Pony,
But with a crash and a bump there’s one less –
Mr. Underhill leapt with a jump most adept,
But nobody saw him egress.

There’s a shout of “Wool-footed slowcoach!”
And some bolsters and a brown woolen mat
Carried into the room of the Hobbits, we assume;
Can’t think what to make of all that”

Sing us a song, you’re a stranger here,
A Hobbit from off in the Shire;
Sing us something that we haven’t heard before –
Songs about cows are surefire

Bonus verse, just because:

Sam says, “Bill, I believe that’s an eye-opener,”
As the wizard-fire lights up his face.
“Well, I’m sure I could pass as a bodyguard
If we could get out of this place.”

Those Were the Days

On the message board I used to belong to, there would, now and then, crop up a strain of frustrated nostalgia for the “good old days”, the time before Peter Jackson’s movies brought hordes of new people to the boards. I arrived there some time before the films, around the time casting decisions were being made, and this was my slightly bitter and sarcastic take on the older-timers’ attitude. The users mentioned had moved on by the time I got there, except for Blue Wizard, who left not long after – I, for one, was glad to see him go.

“Those Were The Days”
Based on the Theme from All in the Family

Boy, the way Bullroarer roared
In the First Age of the board
Before newbies came in hordes
Those were the days

They all knew who was who then
The gals outnumbered by the men
That great somewhen
Those were the days

No one dared “OT” or chat
Threads were threads and that was that
Mister, we can use a guy like Blue Wizard again

No one knew who would play who
Word was scarce and rumors flew
Movie news was shiny and new
Those were the days

No one {{hugged}} and Pants threads grew
Posts lingered for a week or two
Aelric’s pies and the Lidless Eye found their milieu

Threads were short and posts were long
Inferno really sold a song
Though newbies feel it’s going strong
Those were the days

Cabbages and Taters

Cabbages and Taters
A parody of “Proud Mary”

Sam:
Left a good job in the Shire
Workin’ for the Baggins clan since I was a kid
Haven’t ever lost one minute of sleepin’
Worried ‘bout anything the Big Folk did

Been a lot of places through the Shire
Been to all the pubs, know the folks real well
Was settlin’ down like my Gaffer before me
Till I went and overheard what ol’ Gandalf did tell

The Road keeps on unfoldin’
Shoulda listened when my Gaffer told me
Taters
Taters
Cabbages and taters

Taters
Taters
Cabbages and taters

Thought I’d get turned into a lizard
Never saw the old wizard riled up like that
Instead he made me promise to stick with Mr. Frodo
I knew that there’d be trouble right off the bat

I said the Road keeps on unfoldin
Shoulda listened when my Gaffer told me
Taters
Taters
Cabbages and taters

Taters
Taters
Cabbages and taters

………………………………………..
Lots of people have recorded this one – if you choose to put Tina Turner’s voice in Sam’s mouth, I won’t take responsibility. 😉

Hazy Shade of Springtime

‘What a hobbit needs with coney,’ [Sam] said to himself, ‘is some herbs and roots, especially taters—not to mention bread.’

A Hazy Shade of Springtime – based on Simon & Garfunkel’s Hazy Shade of Winter

POV: the bunnies of Ithilien

Thyme – thyme – thyme
See what’s surrounding me
There’s a scent of Men
And others on every breeze
Blowing through stunted trees
‘Mid the herbs
We’re disturbed
And the sky
Is a hazy shade of springtime

Hear the Orcish destructive feet
Defiling the forest glade
Smell the fires that they’ve made
We’re not their favorite flesh
But sometimes they like their meat fresh
‘Mid the herbs
We’re disturbed
And the sky
Is a hazy shade of springtime

“Hang on to your hops, my friend”
That’s an easy thing to say
But if you ‘scape the Orcs today
New threats abound
There’ll be no more hopping around
Men with hoods
That’s not good
Springtime in Ithilien Wood

Something new is skulking around
It’s scrawny, so hungry, I’m bound
Just made such a strange “gollum” sound
Muttering under its breath
Something ’bout “taters” I think
And about nasssty Elvish stink
And threatening death
We’re in hot water, I bet.
‘Mid the herbs
We’re disturbed
And the sky
Is a hazy shade of springtime

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———————————————————————————————————————————-Thanks to Sean Bean, I became a huge Boromir fan. And Sean Bean fan. Those of us in the group I belonged to who were Bean/Bo fans called ourselves the B-Girls. We were few, but we were mighty.

And I (known then as Aerlinn), at least expressed it in footers – which is why Mr. Bean shows up a lot below. (Not that Mr. Bean.)

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Happy Fourth of July!

Aerlinn’s Law

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Scenes from the Hat – 2002 (10)

Original Post

SCENES FROM THE HAT: How Narsil was *really* broken (7/15/02)

• Elendil – “Isilduuuuur! Have you been shaving with Narsil again?” (No Text) —Silverlode
• “I told him to ‘protect it with guards’ but he heard ‘break it into shards.’ (No Text) —esiwmas
  • Palantir static? Don’t let this happen to you. 😉 (No Text) —esiwmas
    • If the Sprint guy had been there at the Cracks of Doom —RosieLass
      We could have avoided this whole silly misunderstanding. 😀
      • Hehehe – I am just imagining it! —Enchantress
        Him shaking his head and offering Frodo a cell phone.
        • I was thinking even further back than that. —RosieLass
          Sauron, Elendil, Gil-Galad all sitting on a sofa looking mournful.
          Sauron: What I said was “Would you like a cup of tea?” and they thought I said “Domination of all Middle-earth…muahahaha!”
          • Heh heh…considering the latest MIB-themed ad, it could happen! (No Text) —Silverlode
• Isildur to Anarion: What do you mean the Key to the City must have been buried with Dad? Well, let me try to pick the lock with this . . . (No Text) —Annael
  • LOL … “with Dad” (No Text) —Mrs. Boromir
• How was Isildur to know Richard Roeper had a metal plate in his head? (No Text) —Nazgûy
  • Hmmm…..that WOULD explain a lot. (No Text) —Silverlode
  • *bows to Nazgûy* I quit! You win! Perfect!! (No Text) —Wídfara
• Isildur tried to use it to cut through a frozen package of peas. (No Text) —luinfalathiel
  • Gondor has no peas. Gondor needs no peas. (No Text) —karen the magnificent
• Whoops! Butter fingers! (No Text) —Idril Celebrindal
• Elrond: Isildur, follow me! Isildur: Up there!? Why don’t I just… CLING!! Damn!… OK, wait up! (No Text) —Earendil The Mariner
• Due to the ME embargo on foreign steel imports, Telchar had to melt down his favourite Mustang V8 (No Text) —Nazgûy
• Manufacturing defect: Elendil must have missed the Consumer Product Safety Administration recall notice. —Wídfara
  It might have been wrought by Telchar in the deeps of time, but obviously he needed some quality controls at his plant.
• Elendil ran into Indiana Jones: “That’s not a knife – THIS is a knife!” (No Text) —Ufthak
  • Er… Crocodile Dundee? Indy would just’ve shot him, I think! (No Text) —Greenwood Hobbit
• Mrs. Elendil kept using it to dial the phone so she wouldn’t chip her nail varnish. (No Text) —RosieLass
• Smaug used it to get a little dwarf from between his teeth. (No Text) —Wídfara
• Some long-gone Gamgee grabbed it ‘cos he thought it’d be a good leek-dibber (No Text)
• Elendil was carving graffiti at Weathertop… (No Text) —Mrs. Boromir
  • “To: Isildur. Re: New family policy. From now on, nobody borrows Narsil.” (No Text) —Wídfara
    • “To: Isildur. Re: New family policy. From now on, nobody borrows Nar–*chink* Damn!” (No Text) —Mrs. Boromir
      • On second thought, anybody need to borrow this? What about my weedeater? (No Text) —Wídfara
• Isildur lent it to the folks remaking “Branded” —Wídfara
  Remember? 60s TV show? Chuck Connors? The opening scene? *sigh* I *am* the only one who remembers that show. If an AARP application comes in the mail today, it’ll be official. I *am* old!!!
  • “Branded! Scorned as the one who ran…” —Mrs. Boromir
    What do you do if you’re branded, and you know you’re a man?
  • I can (barely) remember this show. But then, I should since I’m older than you……….
  • 
    • Oh, dear! ; – ) —Wídfara
    • “Hmmm. THIS would make a good Narsil.”
• Gandalf used it to try to pry open Lobelia’s pocketbook. (No Text) —Wídfara
• No Strider! Those trolls have turned to…. stone. Too late. (No Text) —Altaira
• Sam used it as a jack when his cornfield car had a flat tire. (No Text) —Wídfara
• Merry told Elendil that the palantír had a chewy nougat center. (No Text) —Wídfara
  • Lots of time and dimension travel involved in this thread 🙂 (No Text) —Wingfooted
• He lent it to Beowulf. (No Text) —Wingfooted
• Gandalf tried to stick it in a stone… (No Text) —Gaffer
  • *snert* (No Text) —Altaira
• Well … Lancelot was guarding this bridge, see —Ugly Troll
  and Aragorn got so peeved that he couldn’t move him out of the way that he called on the power of the sword and …. Oh wait, that’s the wrong movie :o/
• “Hey guys, watch this!” (No Text) —Dolaurwen
• Aren’t those also… —Gaffer
  the famous last words of many a redneck?
  • *ktm puts on her Carolina shirt, —karen the magnificent
    sets down her beer, climbs out of her double-wide, and proceeds to beat the tar out of all the da*& yankees on the board* *WHAPWHAPWHAP* Woohoo! All I need now is some chaw and I’d be right nigh’ as happy as a dead pig layin’ in the sunshine!
  • “redneck” is a state of mind —Gaffer
    not a place of residence.
    In fact, it no longer even has anything to do with the color of your neck. Look for the guy in the pickup truck with a shotgun rack, and he probably has long hair these days, (thus preventing neck sunburn) even though thirty years ago, a man with long hair was often considered by rednecks to be target practice.
    • no, no, no. Not long hair. —karen the magnificent
      A mullet.
      • Your pigs are happy when they’re dead? —Mrs. Boromir
        And please note that the Darwin Award (regarding my post) has been won by northerners, southerners, easterners and westerners alike. Now hand me that snoose can.
        • only if they’re in the sunshine. —karen the magnificent
          When we first moved down south a man my father worked with said that, and even though it makes no sense, it was so peculiar that my whole family still says it regularly. And your exception is noted, I will not beat the tar out of you (er, unless I go berserker, which has been known to happen from time to time). Maybe you’d better just lay down next to the pig and play possum just to be sure…;p
    • Actually, as rednecks are concerned —Aier Voronwer
      it tends to be something like,
      “Hey y’all! Look’it Jim Bob! He he he! That’s a good one Jim Bob… Jim Bob? You okay Jim Bob?”
    • Actually, I believe the complete phrase —Morwen
      is “hold my beer and watch this.”
    • I believe that —Dolaurwen
      they’re the famous last words of many people in general.
      • Darwin award-winners (No Text) —Mrs. Boromir
• “Let’s play cricket!” (No Text) —luinfalathiel
• I TOLD YOU, the Ginsu knife was stronger… (No Text) —Enchantress
  • Ouch! You *stole* mine! —Wídfara
    I’m very sure I thought of this first, Enchantress. *mumble mumble mumble* ; – )
    • You can have the disposable, dishwasher safe grater. *snert* (No Text) —Enchantress
• Elendil to Isuldur: I told you not to let the movers pack the family heirlooms! (No Text) —Morwen
• Isildur borrowed it to break into the liquor cabinet. (No Text) —Mrs. Boromir
• Elendil at the Battle: “See, now I just jump on the hilt, and that pumpkin will fly right through Sauron’s window…..” (No Text) —Wingfooted
• Aragorn lent it to my neighbor. *Everything* you lend him comes back broken. (No Text) —Wídfara
  • Hah! I’ve got one of those neighbors. —Gaffer
• “I TOLD you not to drink so many pints!” (No Text) —Frodosgurl
• “Here – I can get that bottle cap off for you . . .” (No Text) —Annael